Saturday, January 21, 2017


I refused to watch the news on Friday. I didn't want to know anything about Dumpf's inauguration and this was my silent protest at the end of democracy in America (not that it was perfect to begin with, but Trump really has put the nail in the coffin).

As a Brit, I am not directly affected by who runs the USA but I do have relations there and visited as a tourist a couple of times. Also, American culture is highly influential. I grew up on Films and TV from the States, which all made a big impression on me as a kid. Finally, there's the fact that America has a huge impact on the rest of the world, not just culturally but economically, politically and militarily. So it's fair to say I should be concerned about what's happening across the Atlantic.

So here we are, in a post-Obama world where fear, hate and greed seem to have won.

How the fudge did that happen?

Whatever the reason, I'm doubtful that anything good can come from having a narcissistic, hot-tempered lunatic in charge of the most powerful nation on earth. I can think of three possible outcomes and so, dear reader, thought it would be therapeutic to share them with you.

Please note that these scenarios are not based on any foreknowledge, proper research or extensive understanding of American politics. They are purely speculative and somewhat tongue-in-cheek.

1. Best Case Scenario
In my best case scenario, Trump doesn't last long as the 45th president. Within month of assuming the role, the scandals have amassed to such a degree that, even with journalists imprisoned for breaking new laws forbidding 'insults directed toward President Trump', the disgraced orange-faced-one is hounded out of office by the Republican Party with the support of most of the American public. Trump's misdemeanours finally catch up with him and he is put behind bars for sexual assault, tax avoidance, treason, inappropriate behaviour with livestock and mass corporate bribery. His sentence amounts to a total of 345 years.

In spite of this, it will take years to undo the fallout from Trump's ascendency to power. Infrastructure is in ruins, unemployment is rife and the factory which makes M&Ms has burnt down. Across the USA there are riots, looting and other forms of civil unrest. Eventually, however, with a swathe of political reforms, the country gets back on its feet and M&Ms are freely available again.

Russian dictator Vladimir Putin is deposed following the failure of his scheme to destabilise the USA. Free and fair elections are held and Crimea regains its independence.

Likelihood: (hopefully) Very
Death toll: Hundreds
Number of toupees destroyed: Not nearly enough
Sales of orange fake tan: at their lowest ever

2. Medium Case Scenario
In this scenario, Trump and his corporate cronies enact some kind of national bloodletting that has never been seen before, attempting to reverse every single good thing that the previous Obama administration achieved. As healthcare collapses, gun crime skyrockets and small businesses implode, Trump sits idly by in his golden boudoir ranting on Twitter. Many citizens decide they've had enough and mass civil disobedience erupts in every major city. Trump's answer is to offer free faux-gold frame photos of his portrait (signed using an auto-signature machine) to all citizens who agree to leave the streets and go home. Somehow this doesn't quell the riots.

California decides to secede from the Union, as does New York and Florida. This sparks the Second American Civil War which lasts only twelve weeks after everyone realises a civil war will stop them from a) drinking a decent latte b) watching Netflix c) buying the latest iPhone.

Trump's troops are ultimately defeated (thanks in part to Trump's insistence that his son, Donald Trump Jnr, leads all forces into battle) and the former USA splits into four: California, Texas Federation, The Central States of America and The New York and Eastern States Union.

Russian dictator Vladimir Putin takes advantage of American turmoil and enacts a full-scale invasion of Eastern Europe, restoring the boundaries to former USSR lines. Without American support the EU is powerless to intervene, and World War III looms heavily on the horizon.

Likelihood: Unlikely
Death toll: Hundreds of thousands
Number of Second American Civil War movie scripts in development in Hollywood: 217

3. Worst Case Scenario
The moment he assumes office, Trump doesn't waste time offending every minority, nation, and ethnic group on the planet.

This includes China and Russia, who increasingly threaten to take action unless he stops. Incapable of backing down, Trump locks himself away in the Oval Office to fire off tweets attacking Vladimir Putin and Xi Jinping for not being 'manly' enough.

After more angry exchanges, Trump is goaded into launching a full-scale nuclear assault on Moscow and Beijing after #trumpisimpotent and #trumphastinyhands become the top trending hashtags on Twitter for three days running.

The human race is annihilated in the subsequent nuclear firestorm that rages across the planet. London property values drop to an all-time low.

Likelihood: Very unlikely (please God!)
Death toll: 7.2 Billion
Most popular song played as the nukes rain down: 'Always look on the bright side of life' by Monty Python.

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