Sunday, July 4, 2010

My Obituary

Moving house has prompted us to have a good de-clutter/sort out, which has involved various trips to cash generator, charity shops and the tip. We've also managed to burn about three trees-worth of paper (I think it's OK to do this - I'm pretty sure burning paper is carbon neutral).

I've kept several shoe boxes of correspondence and random bits of paper over the years and when going through this found my obituary.

Yeah, that's right. My obituary.

Unfortunately, this isn't one of those time-travel Doctor Who-esque stories with a shocking twist at the end. Back in the late 90s I'd decided to write a slightly tongue-in-cheek obituary for myself - probably because I was bored.

Here's how it goes:

"Obituary, The Times. 20th April 2075.

Sir Justin Chaloner MBE, OBE

Just a couple of months after his 100th birthday, Sir Justin Chaloner surprised many by dying at such an early age. Not only was he physically fit for a centenarian, but possessed all of his faculties right until the moment of his death. Indeed, his last words summed up many things about his life: 'I hope I did my best...I'll try harder in heaven!'

Film Director, Artist, Actor, Poet, Diplomat and an inspiration for a whole generation, Sir Chaloner was living proof that determination and a strong spirit can get us all through the hardest of times.

Born in Wales in February 1975, Sir Chaloner had a relatively normal up bringing. He never talked much about his childhood and some say this was because of dark secrets he wished to conceal. His wife once said, however, 'It was a part of him he wished to remain private.'

His first glimpse of fame arrived when he was 29, after his first major film for Miramax broke all box office records for a British production. Entitled, Razor Edge, it was a witty action thriller to rival Tarantino and Rodriguez. He later went on to make only a handful of films, as he divided his time between more diverse pursuits.

His success as a poet began after publishing a collection of his works in 2003, which attracted critical acclaim and demand for more. In line with his style, however, Sir Chaloner opted to try something else, and no further poetry was ever published.

A keen supporter of human rights and equality, Sir Chaloner was always willing to lend a hand to protests against individuals or organisations which failed to treat people fairly. He even risked arrest when Cardiff Council threatened to cut spending on homeless support.

By his mid 40s, Sir Chaloner had earned a reputation for being an effective diplomat and was employed by the UN to negotiate several international disputes - including the famous Argentina Crisis of 2023. Some say had it not been for Sir Chaloner, we would have been plunged into World Was Three.

By the time of his death, Sir Chaloner had appeared in three films, has his artwork displayed in the Tate and has helped to end worldwide poverty. He leaves behind his wife, three children, Samson the labrador and Fuzz the cat."

Hmmm - no pressure then. I'm only slightly behind on a few things.

If you don't hear much from me over the next few weeks it's because I'll be busy figuring out how to end worldwide poverty while coming up with a hit movie script. Oh yeah - and brushing up on my Spanish....

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