Saturday, November 7, 2009

The John and Edward Timeline

John and Edward are an enigma. How they managed to get this far in the X Factor is an utter mystery to me - but I must admit that I admire their tenacity, 'thick-skinnedness' and courage. Each week, they put up with relentless stick from half the country, prepare for an outrageous performance and face three judges who don't really want them to win. That takes guts.

Even by writing about the dreaded 'Jedward', I am contributing to the online deluge of twin-based-commentary the like of which has become normal for any celebrity gossip (how did people cope in the 80s???). Not being one to follow the crowd, however, I would like to write something different about the dynamic duo from Ireland.

Just imagine that Louis Walsh was right - he saw the twin's potential and knew he was onto a winner (you have to admit that Louie - the little Leprechaun of a wee man - knows how to succeed at boybands, he really does).

Just imagine the unimaginable ...

what if Jedward succeeded ...

what if they got through to the final ...

and WON?!?!?

The John and Edward Timeline 2010 - 2110 A.D.
Jan 2010 - John and Edward are still riding high in the charts after winning the X Factor and securing a phenomenally successful Christmas No. 1 in eighteen countries. Their cover of '19' by Paul Harcastle is the fastest-selling download in history.

March 2010 - Their album 'I really like your shoes' goes platinum after three days.

Nov 2010 - After several months in hiding, Jedward emerge with new haircuts and little bits of whispy hair around their chin. Puberty has finally kicked in. Their new single 'The Bramble-Cheese Maker Hip Hopper' goes straight to No. 1 in the UK.

June 2010 - Jedward begin their sell-out 150-date world tour. They are the first western band to perform in North Korea.

Dec 2011 - Jedward's performance on the 2011 series of X-Factor is watched by more people than there are on the planet. Several TV stations are forced to shut down because of viewing demand. The world-wide internet is offline for the first time ever because of Jedward's performance - thankfully for only 11 minutes.

Aug 2012 - The world is shocked to hear that John and Edward are splitting up. The stock market crashes and there are fears of another recession. Calls to 999 and 911 overload the telephone exchanges. Claims that the Mayan Doomsday Prophecy are centred around this celebrity shocker are denied by experts.

Sept 2012 - The split turns out to be false. The world-wide economy picks up.

Jan 2013 - Jedward's latest album 'Can you take this anymore? No seriously, can you?' hits the charts, with predictable success.

April 2013 - John's hair is insured for £3million.

Sept 2013 - Jedward begin their tour of the most troubled nations in the african continent. Their presence spurs on peace, harmony and renewed economic confidence in these areas.

June 2014 - The Catholic Church recognises John and Edward as Saints. They are the first pop stars to receive this honour.

Jan 2016 - After much silence from the twins, they break onto the pop scene again with a wildly different image. They are going through a similar stage to the Beatles when they released Sgt Pepper.

July 2016 - Robbie Williams, Madonna and Bob Dylan are lined up as supporting acts for Jedward on their world tour.

Nov 2017 - Simon Cowell is sentenced to life in prison for plotting to blow up Jedward at a charity concert in Berlin.

Dec 2018 - Jedward receive the Nobel Peace Prize.

Feb 2019 - Edward marries Miley Ray Cyrus.

May 2022 - Jedward release their Greatest Hits, entitled 'We come from the heart' on every audio format ever invented (including wax cylinder, 8-Track and MiniDisc).

Sept 2025 - The X-Factor is replaced by the Jedward Factor.

Aug 2039 - Jedward set up the 'Convalescent Home for Unsuccessful X-Factor Finalists'

Jan 2042 - John is reported missing, presumed dead after losing contact with his guides in the French Alps. A planet mourns. Edward goes into hiding.

June 2042 - John is discovered in a cave near the Swiss border. He has been living off berries, dried gerbils and ice water. He is reunited with his brother on a cruise ship in the Indian Ocean. They pledge to never leave each other's side ever again.

Aug 2050 - John and Edward fulfil their boyhood dream of going into space. They spend a day aboard the International Space Station before travelling to the Chinese Moonbase. It is rumoured that they paid £50million each for the trip.

Jan 2052 - Jedward are cloned for posterity should anything ever happen to them. The clones are kept in a special containment facility in Mexico.

Aug 2052 - The Jedward clones have been illegally cloned by pirates. This leads to widespread 'home-cloning' of the twins. Confusion reigns across the globe.

Sept 2054 - Jedward and all their clones are rounded up and forced to live in an undergound prison at a secret location.

Jan 2065 - 'The Jedward Solution' is ratified by member states of the G25. It orders all Jedward clones and their offspring to be placed on a Generation-Class spacecraft and removed from planet earth. They are to be re-located to an offworld colony.

Dec 2075 - Planet Jedward is officially recognised as a part of the Human Empire. Its population is currently 120,000.

Mar 2099 - Planet Jedward rebels against Earth in a dispute over taxes on hair gel. An armada of 'Jedships' races towards earth to resolve this matter.

June 2099 - Earth surrenders to Jedward after a humiliating defeat by the Jedward Space Navy. The original Jedward become King and King of Earth and all its territories.

Aug 2105 - Humans make contact with aliens for the first time. The aliens are quickly enslaved and become servants of the Most Holy Jedward Empire.

Feb 2110 - King Jedward retires to the paradise planet of Cowellia, and devise plans for a new talent-based TV show.


  1. Will the cloned foot soldiers of the Jedwardian Empire be known as Jedi Knights?

  2. Action figures! We need action figures!

  3. H Dickens - Remember trolls? the jedward action figures are the same but this time they come with hair gell.